now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize