Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
