I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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