Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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