hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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