I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
whose parrot is this?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
