I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
