A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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