your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
