just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
