Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
