Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
