i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
