Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
