i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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