Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
