Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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