hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
