I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
