saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just want nice things and good sex
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
