Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
