I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
