I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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