i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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