Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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