There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're completely useless in the revolution.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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