You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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