like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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