just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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