If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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