just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You need a sexual gate keeper
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
