with your own penis?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
