Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
