Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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