he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
