She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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