Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
