i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
