I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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