Yo dont text me then not text me
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
