My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
