Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
