I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think I am morally bankrupt
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
