Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm at about main and main street
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
