I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
