My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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