I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Randomize
