I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
