my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
