And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
