Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
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I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize