If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
