I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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