I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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