I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
