Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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