dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
