At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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