there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
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They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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