Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
