M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
