i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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