Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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