her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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